GRATITUDE HANDOUT: What to buy this Father's Day

i. Linden Billfold | Onyx Black

- for the dad whose current wallet is actually an artefact from the jurassic age

Nobody knows why the unfathomable entity known as ‘Father’ ever has only one wallet or how the ragged form of said wallet defies physics; we’re not counting on millennia of research ahead to unravel this mystery either. But age-old rumours have it that such a monumental change is not entirely impossible, and that it requires the concerted effort of, say, the total annihilation of the human species or if the stars are aligned, the spontaneous implosion of a neighbouring solar system.

COULD THIS BE THE ONE THING TO CHANGE HIS MIND?

But as with all crucibles and their habit of birthing heroes in dark times, Gnome & Bow yet again promises salvation with our Linden Billfold for dads on any spectrum of carelessness or ruggedness: Linden Billfold is entirely bendable, mostly scratch-resistant, and tightly fitted to secure its contents - every bit in line to circumvent Daddy Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong, will unleash a catastrophe. 

Fight the destructive rules of nature that Daddy Murphy's Law here:
> Gnome & Bow - Father's Day Gift

ii. Hyperchiller Iced Coffee Maker

- for the dad with a compulsion for coffee and caffeine-induced impatience

In times of technological implosion, all that one reasonably needs have become increasingly quicker to access. It is thus the art of waiting even in its infinite forms has come under siege, and to us folks residing in hyper-fast countries of the world: Waiting is grossly unnecessary.

Now consider mornings, a period of otherworldly time when all of creation are bound to a codified rite of waking up from previous nights of questionable decisions. A quick introspection presents everyone with two options: get shit done or peddle your organs on the black market. After a grueling battle to go with the better judgment, all of us lazily turn to coffee in a desperate bid for some semblance of salvation.

Now comes the real problem: You need fresh, edible coffee, but it also scalds with the intensity of a thousand suns. You only have five minutes in your schedule because you read somewhere sleeping in is necessary for the soul. So what do you do? Do you use ice and risk drinking coffee-flavored water? After all, it’s not as if there is an overly simple device that cools down any beverage by up to 55 degrees celsius over a minute without diluting it, that also holds up to 12.5 oz of liquid, and is dishwasher-safe?

Unlike the realm of instant noodles where instant is roughly four minutes, Hyperchiller takes only one.

Never mind. It turns out some folks prognosed the human laze in the morning an epidemic, and in turn engineered an instant cooler for coffees. All it takes is to freeze some water in its outermost canister and brew the coffee in the innermost one, then let it sit for a minute. Once you’re feeling ready to take on life’s wonders and whatnot, putting the device aside is a simple matter of running it under water to have it cleaned.

To the folks whose bodies react too slowly to coffee: Remember that this device does not conjure water from thin air, so refilling it is manual.

 

iii. Philips Norelco Vacuum Beard Trimmer

- for the dad whose facial hair spurts are rapidly stimulated by children-triggered stress

Especially to most modern dwellers with a hefty exposure to contemporary grooming, facial hair stylings are pandering away from a testament of masculinity toward commonplace aesthetics. But facial hairs can be troubling: It promises the sweet lure of transforming anyone into a paragon of new-day sexiness while also imposing the risk of one’s chin mimicking pubic growth in the same span. The latter is a reality older than Jesus, so if anyone who advocates against removing your facial hair, punch them in the eye.

Not pictured: The faculty to trim and shave without cream.
Also not pictured: The tears of Gillette’s marketing team.

Given the highly eclectic world we live in, there are people who for many reasons do not keep facial hair, be it pragmatic joes or knowing ones who have learned that beards are simply not for everyone. And in superhero fashion, Philips descends upon the mortal realm with its Norelco Vacuum Beard Trimmer, a self-sharpening model that trims 20 different built-in lengths -- also a fuss-free edition that captures removed hair because clearly, according to reports that many men have cut themselves repeatedly from removing hairs from their razor blades, we need it.

That’s not all: The Norelco is a performance beast, having a lifespan of reportedly 3 years of clean shaving, all while offering eighty minutes of cordless usage for every hour of charging, just in case you need to shave a gorilla.

iv. Kensington Messenger Bag

- be a good child: gift your dad the ability to feel fun again

Gnome & Bow presents Jekyll’s Hyde, a union of classicism and contemporaneity engineered with Dual Reverse technology, imbuing each bag of the series with the gift of reversibility that effortlessly transforms an artful visage into a creative statement -- so even should dad not feel the need to grasp at the tail of youth again, it provides the perfect excuse to borrow it for a spanking chic party look.

*HOCUS POCUS* 

“*GASPS* WHAT WITCHERY IS THIS?!”

Amidst all, the Kensington is the ultimate workhorse that sublimates you from the boardroom to your adventures around the globe. Its silhouette is trimmed for visual acuity, and its subtle colors are finished with a protective overlay for maximum protection against wear and tear. Because we understand dads will always blame their careless on unknowable forces.

 Find a highly curated series for dad here:
> Gnome & Bow - Father's Day Specials

v. Craft Beer Jelly

- for the dad with little limits for culinary bravado

There’s not much to be said of the dad’s diet other than a proviso binding it to a penchant to perpetual cheat days that is fervidly observed since forever ago. It is a diet that reverses the dietary requirements, defies trends, and transcends etiquettes; for every culinary skeptic in awe of its mystique, there is an equal part nutritionist having a cardiac arrest. It is also in every doctor’s inclination to advise against such a patently absurd judgment in the choice of food, which of course according to the first rule of Dad’s Guide To Eating is a vile pit of pretentious pomposity.

“EAT HEALTHY AND DIE ANYWAY.”

Primordially, humankind is only regarded healthy when their bellies are filmed with a moderate layer of fat, but vanity and gym businesses would pay hundreds of millions to have you think otherwise just to milk billions from your insecurities. But for the folks in the know, oh boy do they know what it is like to enjoy life.

From the very same notion, a couple from Vermont brings to life their inspiration from a culture of revelry: handmade jellies sublimated from local produce and craft beers. It’s nothing juvenile like toast spreads -- not exclusively, at least -- their magical jellies are good for glazing meats, as a cocktail ingredient, salad dressing, and obviously peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. It is generous with it offering of palates, kicking things off with the sweetness of malt, then balancing taste contours with different hop profiles of the beers used, only to finish with a bittersweet aftertaste. Much like the reflection of telling 'I love you, dad' with a material gift, huh?

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Go on, tell Dad you love him with a highly personalized gift. For a limited time, Gnome & Bow would like to help everyone with that endeavor, so for now until then, we are offering free monograms with every purchase. 

> Gnome & Bow - Father's Day Specials